Wannabe Manic Pixie Dream Girls Are Shellacking Glitter To Their Roots

You've spent all day on Tumblr and all evening watching Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, when suddenly, it hits you: You must find some glitter and you must sprinkle it on your roots. You run around your room and search for your glitter kit, equipped with sequins and specks of all shapes and sizes. You frantically tear it open, pick your shade of choice, rip off the lid, and start dusting it on your roots. At first, you're meticulous. It's what Ramona Flowers would do, you think to yourself, but accidentally say out loud.

All of a sudden, you lose control. Staring into a reflection of the metallic speckles, you fall into a deep spiral. Purple. Black. Stars. Galaxies. Galaxies everywhere. The cosmos. You can see it all. Your hair follicles hold the secrets to the universe, and you finally understand the concept of humanity. Your conclusion? It's overrated. We're a race of mindless, superficial people. The only thing that can save us is a steady diet of Sylvia Plath and a healthy realization that death is inevitable. 

You pick up another variation. Your arm has gone numb from all the shaking. In fact, your whole body has gone numb. Is this what it's like to reach a higher plane of existence? you wonder. Your eyes water. You haven't blinked this entire time, and probably will never have to again. Your throat is burning. You've been cackling this entire time. You've never felt more alive. Things are getting hazier and hazier...

Then, 29 hours later, you wake from your stupor. Surrounded by empty plastic containers, you sit up. You look into the mirror and you think, Yes, we've done it.