#MerryChristmasStarbucks Is Conservative Christianity In A Nutshell

The War on Christmas has been going on for a couple of decades now, and while the liberal media have landed a few punishing blows, they can't quite finish the job. That’s because, like in any valiant struggle, our godless tactics and media trickery have been met with the dogged resolve of combatants across the country who refuse to stand down. The latest is Joshua Feuerstein, a “former pastor” who’s taken umbrage at the recent decision by Starbucks to remove Christmas imagery from their paper products, which, as anyone who has read the Bible can tell you, have always played an important role in celebrating the birth of Jesus Christ.  

In a video posted to Facebook that has been shared over 460,000 times since Thursday and viewed 10 million times, Feuerstein laid out the terms of his warfare. “You know, I think in the age of political correctness we’ve become so open-minded, our brains have literally fallen out of our head,” Paul-Blart-shopping-for-a-Limp-Bizkit-CD explained. “Do you realize that Starbucks wanted to take Christ, and Christmas, out of their brand new cups? That’s why they’re just plain red.” 

Feuerstein decided that instead of “simply boycotting,"—which would potentially deprive a capitalist behemoth like Starbucks of the only thing they care about—he brilliantly posits, “Why don’t we just start a movement?” 

The movement in question consists of “pranking” Starbucks by continuing to patronize them and purchasing their products, but, get this: telling the baristas, who are obviously responsible for this corporate branding decision and who definitely give anything resembling a shit about dealing with your identity politics tantrum, that your name is “Merry Christmas.” According to Starbucks bylaws, they are then legally obligated to write that on the cup. Christmas is saved. 

And lo, Feuerstein's movement, like Christ, was born unto us as a savior. The video, which is continuing to pick up steam all over the web, has inspired like-minded Christians to share pictures of their own orders with the magic word-spell that inspires people to believe again, scribbled on the side. 

So what nefarious plot is afoot at Starbucks’ corporate headquarters? They explained their reasoning in a press release:

“In the past, we have told stories with our holiday cups designs,” said Jeffrey Fields, Starbucks Vice President of Design & Content (who probably believes cups are capable of “telling stories,” so let’s not fall all over ourselves here). “This year we wanted to usher in the holidays with a purity of design that welcomes all of our stories.”

Hmm. Sounds like some particularly anti-Christmas rhetoric, here. 

“Starbucks has become a place of sanctuary during the holidays,” Field continued. “We’re embracing the simplicity and the quietness of it. It’s a more open way to usher in the holiday.”

“Creating a culture of belonging, inclusion, and diversity is one of the core values of Starbucks, and each year during the holidays the company aims to bring customers an experience that inspires the spirit of the season. Starbucks will continue to embrace and welcome customers from all backgrounds and religions in our stores around the world.”

As part of that welcoming tradition, Starbucks continues to sell gift cards with the words "Merry Christmas" written on them, as well as a Christmas-blend coffee. The cups, despite the pushback from Christians, will remain free of overt Christian symbolism, much like they always have since they were invented, unless you count a snowman in a scarf as one of the apostles. 

But take heart, Conservatives, because the cultural battle isn’t completely lost just yet. While they might not be wishing him a Merry Christmas, Feuerstein still managed to carry his gun into the coffee store. There’s nothing more Christ-like than that.