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So You Want To Be A Freelancer

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Illustrated by Lindsay Hattrick

Here are some of the perks!

Freelance work gets a bad rap. When someone says, "I'm a freelancer," you probably imagine some sad, greasy weirdo sitting on a bean bag in an otherwise empty apartment in some random part of the country no one has ever heard of, having not left the building for 12 days, typing on their 2015 laptop which does not function unless it is plugged in. Freelance is actually so much more than that (but also every word of that)! In fact, there are many underappreciated perks to the work-from-home lifestyle. Here are some.

You never have to clock in. You never have to clock out, either. In fact, you spend 100 percent of your waking life in a weird, in-between place, desperate to make your time count for something while also feeling pressured to appreciate the fact that you don't have to ever see sunshine. Best of both worlds.

Sweatpants are your uniform. You'll wear them 45-, 98-, sometimes even 124-hours straight—not because you want to, but because all your jeans mysteriously have holes in the crotch. Why? One of life's great mysteries! So cozy.

Your mom will buy you pants. Mom only needs to hear that all your jeans have holes in the crotch a few times before she sends you a Gap gift card "just in case you get an interview somewhere," LOL.

Fifty dollars starts to sound like a shit-ton of money. That's, like, a week's worth of work! With that kind of money you could buy instant yeast and flour and make your own bread for a month.

You'll make a lot of bread. It will start as a money-saving exercise and eventually turn into something you mildly enjoy, if only as an excuse to stop looking at your laptop screen for a while. BTW, when will the gig economy catch up to support amateur bread baking entrepreneurs who are willing to sell and deliver their loaves through an app for pennies more than it takes to produce them?

You'll get plenty of alone time. There's no boss breathing down your neck. There are no annoying coworkers who want to talk to you or get coffee or ask if there's anything they can help you with. You often don't notice it's the weekend, and miss your chance to spend time with friends or family. You'll forget how to string sentences together in conversation, and when you are actually in the presence of another human, you'll end up saying things like, "What's abouts you?"

Casual socialization will feel glamorous. Is this a Hollywood movie premiere? An elegant soirée? The line to buy 7/11 hotdog? All of the above? All you know is there's bright lights, a bunch of people, and that you're wearing your fabulous new Gap chinos.

There are no rules. You can wake up at 10pm and start work at midnight. You can work standing up, lying down, or sitting on the toilet. You can say things that would normally make you unemployable, like, "I just barfed in my mouth a little," and "all the feels." Who cares? No one cares. Literally, no one has any reason to care about you.

Your job will never be taken by robots. Why would a robot want any of this?
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