This Valentine’s Day, Calculate Your Love Life The ‘Black Mirror’ Way

Photo courtesy of Netflix

Find your ultimate match

Imagine you're on a first date and things are going well. Great! The next few hours will probably be just as great and who knows what the days, weeks, and months ahead even hold. The possibilities—the unknown!—are thrilling.

Now bring it back to reality, to today's world where knowledge is instant and wasting time on the unknown is an archaic idea. Sure, your date may be going well, but you've got work in the morning and know better than to get lost in the moment because, hey, time's a-ticking. That's the world Charlie Brooker and Tim Van Patten envisioned for the fourth episode of the fourth season of Black Mirror, "Hang the DJ." A world not-too-different from ours where a little app shows you how long you're going to be romantic with another human based on the data it collects. Sometimes it's an hour, sometimes it's 25 years. The goal is to sift through individuals, going from relationship to relationship until you find the one.

Since this is Black Mirror we're talking about, Netflix went ahead and brought its dystopia to life so we, too, can find our relationship's expiration date. It's called COACH and, like the televised version, will "find your perfect match in 99.8 percent of cases." 

Like the fictional one, both parties have to agree to reveal their expiration date. If one party doesn't, the expiration date drops. I happened to try it with a friend since I'm a single lady this Valentine's Day and got 16 years, but they didn't opt to reveal, shortening our relationship to a measly 16 minutes. Sad! But also fun. 

Obviously, COACH isn't real. It's a decidedly less janky version of those love calculators middle schoolers use (or used to use? I did at that age...) where you input your and your crush's names so some internet wizard can spit a compatibility number out at you. Love is a complex thing that can't be quantified in these kinds of manners. Find joy in the unknown, but, also, don't shy away from engaging in some innocent, Black Mirror-inspired fun. After all, everything does, indeed, happen for a reason.

Photo courtesy of Balenciaga / Photo via @McDonaldsSverige Instagram

I'm cackling

Last year, Balenciaga released bright red square-toed mules which bore a striking resemblance to McDonald's french fry cartons. Now, the chain has fired back at the designer, threatening to release its own version of the shoes.

McDonald's Sweden posted a photo to its Instagram of a person wearing actual McDonald's fry cartons as shoes, and honestly, if there weren't yellow M's printed onto them, I'd have a hard time distinguishing them from the Balenciagas from a distance. Though the post doesn't directly reference the Balenciaga shoes, one can only assume that's who they are trolling.

McDonald's version actually makes for some pretty fly slip-ons, if you ask me. Good thing the Swedish branch of Mickey D's seems to be considering releasing the shoes if the post receives enough attention. The caption of the Instagram post translates to, "If we get 103042 likes we release these for real," though it only has about 17,000 as of publish time. These would likely cost much less than the Balenciaga shoes, which cost $545.

Internet, do your thing. I want a pair.



Photo by Gareth Cattermole / Getty Images.

It marks her third duet with Nas

Here are some words that I never expected to read or hear again: There is a new song with Amy Winehouse. But here we are in 2019, and Salaam Remi has granted me a wish. On Valentine's Day, the Grammy-nominated producer and frequent Winehouse collaborator (also responsible for hits like Miguel's "Come Through & Chill") released "Find My Love" which features rapper Nas and that powerful and haunting voice that I have come to love and cherish so dearly.

Representatives for Remi said that the Winehouse vocals were from an old jam session the two had. Remi was a producer on both of Winehouse's albums, Frank and Back to Black. "Find My Love" marks the third time Winehouse and Nas have done duets under the direction of Remi. They were previously heard together on "Like Smoke," a single from her 2011 posthumous album Amy Winehouse Lioness: Hidden Treasures, and "Cherry Wine" from Nas' 2012 album Life Is Good. Winehouse died of alcohol poisoning on July 23, 2011, before they could complete production on her third album. My heart is still broken about it as she is by far my favorite artist.

"Find My Love" is set to appear on Remi's Do It for the Culture 2, a collection of songs curated by him. Check it out, below.