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15 movie sex scenes that you shouldn’t try at home

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Photo via Constantin Film Produktions

ouch, that hurts!

Sex. On. Film. It can be an awkward thing to see in a theater or on the couch, especially with your parents, but the truth is everybody likes it…especially them (it’s been years!). But not all movies are created equal in terms of on-screen erotica.

Sometimes filmmakers overreach with their sex scenes, creating unintentionally hilarious moments like when Clive Owen and Monica Bullucci roll away from—while still intertwined—a torrent of gunfire in Shoot ’Em Up. Other times, the concepts are uninspired, as though they’ve come out of a drunken game of M.A.S.H.: “So, we’ve got an erotic dancer, Vegas, a pool, and Jessie from Saved by the Bell…” Well, you just made the movie Showgirls less watchable.        

Not everything you see in the movies is sexy, and most of it can’t even be attempted. So, here is our list of movie sex tropes that you shouldn’t bring home. 

Photos via Warner Bros and Mandalay Entertainment

Someone’s Watching

Perhaps is some universe, watching or being watched IRL while having sex is appealing—even covetable—but I think the reality is more checking your phone and locking eyes in a weird way. These two films tackle the mythic sexual interloper:

Devil’s Advocate – The dénouement of this film is that (spoiler alert!) Al Pacino’s character is both the Devil and Keanu Reeves’ character’s father. As a means of enticement toward the dark side, Pacino offers up his willing daughter to have sex with Reeves. So, basically, we have a final scene that sees our protagonist groping his sister while his father watches. Don’t do this.

Wild Things – The part of this movie you know is when Neve Campbell and Denise Richards bob around in a pool making out. What you might have forgotten about that scene is that just beyond the lifeguard stand is an icky Kevin Bacon watching and filming the two women. Give it a rest Bacon, you’ve been creeping us all out ever since Stir of Echoes.

Devil’s Advocate (top), Wild Things (bottom)

Photos via Warner Bros and Constantin Film Produktion

We Got an Orgy

If the idea of intimacy with one person watching is one too many, than an orgy is basically a nightmare. Fortunately, it’s a nightmare that is scantly possible in real life, which didn’t stop these longwinded films from trotting out wildly unfathomable orgy scenes.

The Matrix Reloaded – The trick to the rave/orgy scene in this film is that there’s no overt sex happening en masse at the party (though it’s implied), but Neo and Trinity are getting busy just down the hall in what looks to be a pizza oven. I say that if you’re going to an end-of-days rub-down rave, just have sex on the dance floor like everybody else.

Perfume: The Story of a Murder – It’s the smell that launched a thousands hips. At the end of this epic (the film is two hours and 27 minutes), our perfume-maker hero played by Ben Whishaw wafts a handkerchief dabbed in his trademark scent in the center of a crowded town square. The perfume is so intoxicating, it leads to mass copulation. Keep in mind this film is a period piece, so the costuming is elaborate and the disrobing intense.

The Matrix Reloaded (top), Perfume: The Story of a Murder (bottom)

Photos via Bona Fide Productions and Columbia Pictures Corporation

Sex By Water

People are always having sex in water in movies and, like candles and orgies, it’s just plain dangerous, not to mention uncomfortable and unsanitary. Here are two examples of coitus working onscreen when it so doesn’t in real life.

Election – To be fair, Chris Klein’s character says, “My leg wasn’t bugging me too much, and the weather was so nice, and every day after school Lisa and I would go to her house to fuck and have a hot tub.” The implication here being that the sex is happening post-hot tub. But the scene that follows sees Lisa mounting Klein’s character in the hot tub, which means things went down below the water line. This is a movie trope that for too long has stood uncontested. Don’t have sex under water, it is not cute and you can get hurt. 

From Here to Eternity – I have no idea what happens in this movie other than the fact that two people roll around the beach presumably pre-sex while ocean water shoots up and washes over them. It’s like a rising tide of a UTI, and I, for one, think sea water should be avoided during sex at all costs.

 

Election (top), From Here to Eternity (bottom)

Photos via Miramax and Channel Four Films

No Touching

I call bullshit on this one. The best part of sex is not the looking at each other. But that didn’t stop these films from “going for it” and by “it,” we mean orchids and blue conversation.

40 Days and 40 Nights – We all remember the setup: He’s given up sex for lent and she’s not Rachel Leigh Cook. Perhaps the most recognizable scene from this wonderful romantic comedy set in an impossibly inexpensive San Francisco is the flower scene. He can’t get down, so instead the pair decide to give each other orchid, sliding it up and down until the ultimate pleasure is achieved. Early Hartnett is the best Hartnett, but this is ridiculous.

Bent – Full disclosure: I haven’t seen this movie. According to Wikipedia, the film “revolves around the persecution of homosexuals in Nazi Germany after the murder of SA leader Ernst Röhm on the Night of the Long Knives.” One “sex” scene from Bent makes its way on many Internet lists for both its implausibility and also sexiness. The two male leads are standing nude in the baking sun as some form of Nazi torture. The men cannot touch one another, so they instead talk their way to climax. “Did you? Yes. Did you? Yes.”

 

40 Days and 40 Nights (top), Bent (bottom)

Photo via Am Psycho Productions

Soundtrack

For the life of me, I can’t think of a suitable song to play during sex. All the obvious choices seem, well, obvious. The radio might be a safe option, just pick a station that plays Sade and Marvin Gaye on repeat. Or try to hit an Usher-themed “two for Tuesdays.” Whatever you choose, don’t play Phil Collins…

American Psycho – Every scene in this film is a cautionary tale. One sex scene finishes with character Patrick Bateman chasing a girl into a staircase and dropping a chainsaw on her from several flights above. In another, Mr. Bateman sets up a tripod and to film himself doing the deed. He then puts on Phil Collins, a cardinal sin in the sex-soundtrack realm. “This is ‘Sussudio,’ a great, great song,” he says. “A personal favorite.”

Photo via Lakeshore Entertainment

In Public

People like to have sex in public, right? If they do (and I’m sure they do), the question then becomes how public is public. One scene from an awful action flick answers that very question.

Crank – It’s very hard to judge this scene within the context of the entire film. And that’s because the entire film is shit. But straight-up crazy shit. We’re talking about a movie where the conceit is that Jason Statham has to do something extreme every few minutes so that his heart rate stays high, or else a poison will be released into his bloodstream to kill him. It’s like the movie Speed, except instead of a bus, audiences get Jason Statham’s poorly acted body. So, when Statham’s heart rate is getting dangerously low in Los Angeles’ Chinatown because, I guess, he’s so bored, public sex is the logical antidote. Statham grabs Amy Smart and has comical sex with her while hordes of cartoonish and excited Chinese people cheer in amazement. Bravo!

Photo via Warner Bros

Virtually

It’s 2015 and VR sex is upon us. There is an assortment of tools including the Oculas Rift and WiFi Fleshlights that can simulate sex. But there’s no replacement for the real thing, and all this tech is becoming a buzzkill. Here’s one movie that actually gets that right.

Demolition Man – In the future, the transfer of bodily fluids is strictly forbidden because of a savage surge in sexually transmitted diseases. This is one of the sub-plots in 1993 film Demolition Man staring who else but Sylvester Stallone and Wesley Snipes. In order to circumvent this fluid law, Sandra Bullock’s character proposes having virtual sex with Rocky, which she calls the “digitized transference of sexual energies.” Very erotic. A strobing display of mildly pornographic images passes through Stallone’s mind, and that’s future sex. It all seems a bit more like torture than pleasure.

Photos via Geffen Company and Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation

On Wheels

Having sex in a car, on a boat, or even in a car on a boat is not a great idea. They say that necessity is the mother of invention, and car sex is for teenagers with nowhere else to go. Train sex, on the other hand, is an ageless odyssey that should be attempted, but is probably illegal. Here, we have scenes of both.

Risky Business – This one is a double-whammy. We have Tom Cruise and Rebecca De Mornay going H.A.M. in a deserted Chicago subway car, and we also have MORE PHIL COLLINS! To be fair, “In the Air Tonight” is a better Collins classic for sexiness, but still probably still a misstep only possible in an ’80s sound-editing room.

Titanic­ – This film was so popular, that Britney Spears plot-checked it during the interlude of “Oops!...I Did it Again” (punctuation hers). No surprise, the movie’s success was driven largely by teenagers, who, as mentioned above, love having sex in cars. The big romantic payoff in the film is that steamy, streaking hand-sex scene in the back of the fancy car. While this became a fantasy for every boy and girl in America, older audiences were probably rolling their eyes thinking, “That seems uncomfortable.” 

Risky Business (top), Titanic (bottom)

Photos via Paramount Pictures and Dino De Laurentiis Company

Sex By Fire

Candles are a fire hazard, as simple as that. It’s not that sex around fire isn’t dope (it is), but it’s just so dangerous. Too many sex scenes occur amid a blinding array of burning wicks. Also, movies LOVE to pour some hot wax on hard bodies. The only thing worse than a fire hazard is a mess, making these two scenes downright irresponsible:

Wolf of Wall Street – According to Variety, it was costar Margot Robbie who talked Leonardo DiCaprio into sticking a candle in his butt. “I said if he was committed to the role, then he would do it properly,” says Robbie. Well, it worked. Leo did it, and it was a nice touch. It could be argued, however, that maybe something less flammable and drippy should have been used instead. Again, safety thrown to the wind for cinematic dramatics.

Body of Evidence – Who knew this movie even existed. It stars Willem Dafoe and Madonna and a totally absurd sex scene in which both parties look deeply uncomfortable with one another. What’s worse is that they insist on a lot of unflattering and unflattening nudity and even more candle-play. We didn’t ask for this.  

Wolf of Wall Street (top), Body of Evidence (bottom)

Photo by Imani Givertz

Premiering today via NYLON

Small Talks, aka Cayley Spivey, has come a long way since starting a band, then becoming the entire band herself and forging her own fan base from the ground up. On her recent album A Conversation Between Us, she began to unpack any lingering baggage with one particular song: "Teeth." Today, she premieres the accompanying music video exclusively via NYLON.

"'Teeth' is about my personal battle with letting go of the past," Spivey tells NYLON, admitting that it's easily her favorite song off of A Conversation Between Us.

Watch the video for "Teeth" below.

Small Talks - Teeth (Official Music Video) - YouTube www.youtube.com

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Photos by Joe Maher/Getty Images, Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for TIME

Must have been pretty awkward

Taylor Swift and Sophie Turner were guests on the U.K.'s The Graham Norton Show together, which must have been awkward for Turner's husband, Joe Jonas, seeing as he also happens to be Swift's ex. I wonder if his name came up?

The interview doesn't come out until Friday night, but promotional photos show the two sharing a couch. Swift is making an appearance to perform her new single, "ME!" while Turner is promoting her new film, X- Men: Dark Phoenix. But it seems necessary for the two to be asked about Jonas.

Swift was just on the Ellen DeGeneres Show earlier this month, where she brought up the fact that she felt bad for putting Jonas "on blast" on DeGeneres' show back in 2008 by telling the audience that he broke up with her in a record-setting short phone call. But, according to Swift, she and Jonas are chill now, since it happened pretty long ago, which means she's probably already hung out with Turner and maybe even gossiped about him with her.

We can only hope that they get the chance to spill some tea on television.

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Screenshot via YouTube, Photo Courtesy of HBO

"That's! His! Auntie!"

Leslie Jones has rewatched the Game of Thrones finale with a beer in hand, Seth Meyers at her side, and a full camera crew ready to take in all her glorious reactions. Spoilers ahead, but, if you haven't watched last week's episode already, that's kind of on you at this point.

When Jon Snow started to make out with Daenerys, also known as his aunt, only to stab her through the chest moments later, it was emotional whiplash for everyone watching. And, Jones' reactions—both from her first and second viewing—sum it all perfectly.

"That's! His! Auntie! [gagging noises]," Jones says before making an aside about calling the police if her uncle ever tried to do the same. But then the knife goes in, and Jones screams. "Did you see that?!" Jones asks, "Yeah bitch, that's a knife in you." Meyers points out the funniest part of all: "Why are you so upset about someone kissing their aunt but totally fine with someone killing their aunt?" Jones replies, "Because that bitch needed to go," and, well, same.

Other highlights from the comedians' rewatch include comparing Dany's victory speech to a bad improv gig, predicting that their dogs would have less of a reaction to their deaths than Drogon did to his mother's, and more.

Watch all of Jones' reactions from this Late Night clip below.

Game of Jones: Leslie Jones and Seth Watch Game of Thrones' Series Finale youtu.be

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These lyrics are a lot

Robbie Tripp, aka Curvy Wife Guy, is back with a music video, titled "Chubby Sexy," starring his wife and a trio of models. In it, Tripp raps about his bold choice to find women with an average body size attractive.

The video begins with a series of statements laid over some pool water: "Curves are the new high fashion," "Chubby is the new sexy," "We Out Here." Tripp posits that these queens deserve an anthem, which they do. What they do not deserve is this Cursed Song. As he lists all the names he knows to call them by (thick, thicc, and BBW), one model (who I really, really hope was paid well) squirts some lotion down her cleavage, and Tripp begins dancing.

"My girl chubby sexy/ Call her bonita gordita," Tripp states in his chorus, before going on to compare "big booty meat" to the peach emoji. Another thing he mentions is that his wife can't find a belt that fits her waist, and that's why he calls her James and the Giant Peach. He then tries to dab. Here are some of the other Cursed highlights from his, uh, verses:

Got those Khaleesi curves/ Knows how to dragon slay
She like a dude that's woke/ We like a girl that's weighty
Some say a chubby girl that's risky/ But they ain't met a curvy girl that's frisky
Imma dunk that donk like I'm Andrew Wiggins.
Thick like an Amazon/ Built like Big Ben.

Tripp says one thing in the video that I couldn't agree more with: "She don't need a man." No, she does not. Please run. If you must, watch the entire video, below. Or send it to your nemesis!

Robbie Tripp - Chubby Sexy (Official Music Video) www.youtube.com

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Photo by Emma McIntyre / Getty Images.

See the promo here

It was bound to happen. The Kadashians and Jenners have committed themselves to letting the cameras roll on their lives, for better or for worse. So if you thought that the Jordyn Woods and Tristan Thompson cheating scandal was off limits, you thought wrong. The trailer for Sunday's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was just released, and it involves the famous family working through the fallout of what happened when Woods went to a party at Thompson's house.

The teaser includes the infamous clip of Khloé Kardashian screaming "LIAAAARRRRRR." It's still not explicitly clear who prompted that strong response. She could be responding to Thompson, who clearly isn't always honest. Or she could be reacting to Woods account of the events on Red Table Talk. But the most revealing moment comes when we see Kylie Jenner—who was Woods' best friend before all of this happened—react for the first time.

In a heart-to-heart conversation, momager Kris Jenner says, "For you and Jordyn, it's like a divorce." Kylie only offers this in response: "She fucked up." Based on Woods' version of events—which I'm inclined to believeThompson is the one who fucked up. Still, I'm hoping for some kind of reconciliation between the two longtime friends. Perhaps we'll have to wait until next season for that.

Check out the promo video below.

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