Online dating has come a long way in past few years, and instead of the shot-in-the-dark approach to finding your new squeeze, new dating apps increasingly cater to specific niches. Want a fitspo workout partner? Try SWEATT! More specifically—are you into bacon? Try Sizzl! (Or don’t, I’ve heard it’s pretty bad).
Naturally, different types of apps attract different types of users. I would know, I’ve tried most of them. Here I present you with a general rundown of the varying stereotypes of men you’re likely to meet on these popular dating apps. Matchmaking begins after the break.
Bumble guy is pretty progressive. He’s nice, smart, and professional.
Bumble guy went to Yale and works at a cool, socially conscious start-up. He respects women; on this app, women must make the first move in order to start conversing. He’s smart, sensitive, and kind of handsome without being intimidatingly hot. Like, he has a cool beard but still wears ugly shoes. That’s okay, cuz he would basically be the dream dude—if only he was a little more fun. Let’s be honest, Bumble guy is a bit on the serious side. Try getting a few laughs outta him—otherwise, it might feel like going on a date with your professor. Are you into that? I am, for a little while. But not forever.
Pickup line: “My nieces and nephews are really adorable. What kind of parent do you think you’ll be?”
Raya guy has a cool job. Like, an intimidatingly cool job. He’s the creative director/photographer/graphic designer for rock stars, and he has thousands of Instagram followers. His friends are all famous influencer types and they’re Always Having A Good Time™. Or at least, that’s what it looks like online. You’ll go on two amazing dates, and discuss art, sex, and the industry, and then you’ll never see him again because he’ll takeoff to work on a Very Famous Person’s album and start dating a “selfie model” with more Instagram followers than you. You know this because you follow his Instagram, obsessively.
Pickup line: “I’m flying out to L.A./NYC /London/ Argentina/Singapore tomorrow, but I’d love to take you out tonight and name-drop all my famous friends.”
The League Guy
Within the first three minutes of texting with The League guy, he’ll tell you how many businesses he owns, what kind of car he drives, where he went to school, and what kind of furnishings he has in his apartment. He’s a doctor with three practices in Jersey but comes to the city every weekend to stay in his parent’s spare apartment in Murray Hill and hit the clerrrbs. The League guy likes grand gestures to show you how impressively important he is—box tickets to a sporting game, perhaps a non-committal invite to an out of state polo tournament, are his calling card. This might all sound like fun for a little while, but don’t be fooled: The League guy feels entitled to everything. Including you.
Pickup line: “I’m kind of a big deal.”
Tinder Guy is a guy you’d never meet in your real life. He’s like a vacation from your reality because Tinder connects people that, quite frankly, you would and should never cross paths with IRL.
Tinder guy could literally be anyone. He could be a bus driver, he could be a cute guy who works in finance, or he could be a school teacher. Who knows?! It’s like playing Russian Roulette. That can be a bad thing, and it can also be a good thing, depending on what you’re looking for.
You don’t know too much about him because he never bothered to fill in his profile—it’s just selfies in his dirty bathroom and dated vacation pics. None of this matters, though, you’re only looking for someone to shag away the heartache from your recently ended five-year relationship.
Pickup line: “Wanna bone?”
Happn guy lives in your neighborhood. So depending on where you live, Happn guy will vary. Happn guy in my neighborhood is a musician and part-time art handler/production assistant (I live in Greenpoint in Brooklyn, New York). You’ll never actually go on a date with Happn guy. Happn is just a fun game to look at while you’re waiting for the subway.
Pickup line: “Are you home?”
OkCupid guy lives in a basement and only comes up for air every six months. Actually, I’m not exactly sure—I stopped using OkCupid over a year ago because of all the weird unwarranted sexual advances. I’m pretty sure it’s just spam bots and neck beards now.
“Fuck you, bitch”
Handy guy will come over for a date but clean your apartment instead. Kind of strange, but hey, I’m not complaining. You should probably tip him.
Pickup line: “Hi, I’m here to clean your apartment.”
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