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the functionality of disney relationships, ranked

Culture
Photos via Disney

on a scale of kingdom hearts

Everyone likes to say that Disney gives young girls unrealistic ideas about love: Mainly, that there’s a Prince Charming out there for everyone.

But if you think about it, that’s totally true. Prince Charming is a flaky foot fetishist who kisses comatose women. If anything, the Mouse House over-prepares our girl-children for the worst nightmares the dating world has to offer. Disney’s suite of classic animated films does have a few functional relationships, but far more dysfunctional ones. 

Here’s a totally objective ranking of the studio’s romantic pairings, from least to most functional. (Of course, the Disney couple missing from this list is also the only one destined to last forever: Walt Disney’s Frozen Body and Walt Disney’s Anti-Semitism. Now that’s a match made in heaven.)

Photo via Disney

Ariel and Prince Eric

This partnership sucks badly enough that even the general viewership has picked up on its blatantly misogynistic undertones. Any Disney fan can see how messed up it is that Ariel pawned her voice for a couple of legs, but if you delve a little deeper, there’s so much else going on. For starters, Ariel is a princess too, just like Prince Eric, and yet for some reason, she’s referred to as only Ariel, whereas Eric always gets his princely title. That’s evidence of how low her status is in this arrangement.

Plus, Ariel is only 16, and Eric is 18. That’s not uncommon, but technically he’s an adult, which is slightly shady of him. Also, he cheats on her with Vanessa, just because he has this idea in his head that the perfect girl is still out there somewhere. So many people let their idealism get in the way of their happiness. Then later on, when she turns back into Ursula, he stabs her with a boat. A guy who kills his ex-fiancé is not going to make a good partner. 

General rule: If you’re selling something to a hoarse woman who lives underground with two spineless male assistants just to impress a guy with how quiet you can be, it’s probably time to call things off.

0 Kingdom Hearts

Photo via Disney

Belle and Beast

An ill-tempered monster kidnaps a girl’s father and then also kidnaps her but it’s chill because he gives her books—and all his stuff can talk and put on rousing musical numbers to make her feel welcome. Tale as old as time! Both of these star-crossed lovers are French, so you know it’s not leading to marriage anytime soon.

There’s a very King of Queens vibe happening here, since she’s a hot French teenager and he’s some sort of large unfuckable mammal. He appreciates her book love and supports it, but this doesn’t really undo the fact that he’s a kidnapper who turned away a beggar, and only apologized when he found out she was hot and powerful. The Enchantress was just trying to keep a hot jerk away from nice college-bound girls like Belle. Where’s the Enchantress’s movie? I want to see that movie.

1 Kingdom Heart

Photo via Disney

Pocahontas and John Smith

Look: We’ve all dated a racist. Maybe you got three weeks into a relationship with a guy before he said something about “building a wall around America.” But it’s a whole new level of self-disrespect to date a propagator of genocide, especially if it’s on your specific group of people. John Smith was even voiced by noted race scholar Mel Gibson. Pocahontas is another strong-willed independent Disney princess who loves gallivanting through nature and being emotionally supported by animals, but she loses points for almost dying at her father’s hands all for a male blonde in middle management who probably has syphilis.

This three-dimensional heroine quickly turns into a manic pixie dream-toon as soon as Hairstyle shows up. How lame is that? Your romantic partner should bring out the best in you, not make you the most desperate version of yourself. Fortunately, Smith gets shot by his boss and has to sail back to England (but like, he probably dies on the boat?). Pocahontas will most likely look back on this relationship as a very educational mistake. 

2 Kingdom Hearts

Photo via Disney

Snow White and Prince Charming

The 1937 film version of Snow White and the Seven Dwarves is our first introduction to Prince Charming: pop culture’s most beloved serial cheater. Snow had him when he was at his most busted (check him out, he’s a weak-jawed shlubby mess), and yet once he gets a little hotter, he moved on to not one, but two other princesses. She deserves a lot better, even if she is a codependent, no-female-friend-having, “I bet the Queen’s just jealous of how hot I am” amateur singer who lives with a bunch of Teamsters in the middle of nowhere.

Also, guys who kiss you while you’re asleep usually have weird ideas about consent. Major red flag.

3 Kingdom Hearts

Photo via Disney

Aurora and Prince Charming

Oh look, he’s back, and he’s still kissing sleeping chicks. What’s up with that? He literally thinks his kiss is a lifesaver. Yikes. He looks like he did P90X and maybe got some facial sculpting, and he’s now experimenting with his personality by going by “Prince Philip.” Just a heads up: We still know it’s you, Charming. The consent issues are back and better than ever. You can’t have a good partnership if one person doesn’t respect the other’s bodily integrity. And he still ends up moving on to Cinderella. What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Aurora doesn’t even know this, but he was engaged to someone else at the start of the film. Mess mess mess.

If she had any female friends (not including her three elderly personal assistants), maybe she’d have the strength to get away from all the users in her life and meet someone normal for once.

4 Kingdom Hearts 

Photo via Disney

Cinderella and Prince Charming

This dick again? Look, Cinderella, you overcame the trauma of losing your mother, then your father, then being abused by your stepmother and her shitty kids. You have a Temple Grandin-like ability to commune with animals, and you have your own job. Why waste your time with some trust-funder with a horse? Prince Dumdum doesn’t even remember what you look like. When he does come up with the Colombo-like idea to make all the barely legal hotties in the kingdom try on a shoe someone left at his rager, Cinderella plays coy. Hiding your true self is a sign of immaturity when it comes to dating.

They are sort of cute together and enjoy each other’s company, but it seems like she’d be better off going to therapy for a few months before getting into anything serious. 

5 Kingdom Hearts

Photo via Disney

Mulan and Shang

These guys are by far the hottest of all Disney couples. He’s like 11 times her size, which is the straight ideal: Man big, woman small. It’s all very heteronormative once you get past all the cross-dressing.

While Mulan did join the army under false pretenses, she did it because it was what she wanted to do with her life, which takes the whole “rebellious princess” thing to another level. She met Shang after she bravely followed her dreams (with the help of a sassy dragon and lots of ghosts), which is way healthier than all those other princesses who sacrifice their true selves for their men. 

We don’t get to really see how they are together, but the rate of intra-military divorce goes down during peacetime, so these two might just have a shot at a normal life.

7 Kingdom Hearts

Photo via Disney

Aladdin and Jasmine

She’s super sheltered and talks to her cat, and he’s worldly and talks to his monkey. They’re different, but the same! Sure, she’s rich, but somehow his apartment is way nicer than hers. A loft apartment with a view is much more desirable, IMO.

Both are kind to their pets which is a good sign for how they’ll treat their partners. She’s sexually coerced and he doesn’t shame her for it. He does lie about who he is, but like, who doesn’t during courtship? Lots of guys say “I work at a big law firm…” without saying “…in the cafeteria.” They eventually get past the transgression—now that’s a functional relationship.

8 Kingdom Hearts

Photo via Disney

Simba and Nala

These two are the best people on this whole list and they’re not even people. The two start off as friends, which is the best way to start any relationship. They can laugh about the fucked up fact that they were betrothed when they were babies (which most fans forget about, but I happen to have Googled it), and Nala encourages Simba to return to the kingdom to win it back from his douchebag uncle. Being able to overcome weird shit and encouraging each other to be their best selves is the very definition of functional.

Also, their physical chemistry is off the charts. Can you imagine having a connection so good that it literally spelled out “SEX” in a bunch of nearby leaves? That would be terrifying, but since it’s a cartoon, it’s amazing. 

9 Kingdom Hearts

We also see Margot Robbie take on Sharon Tate

The new trailer for Quentin Tarantino's upcoming movie Once Upon a Time in Hollywood gives a look at the Manson Family. In the previous clip, we saw Brad Pitt and Leonardo DiCaprio at their funniest. Now, we get to see Margot Robbie take on actress Sharon Tate, Lena Dunham become a cult member, and how the fictional and real-life story lines will intersect in the film.

Per a press release, the film—that follows a fictional story set around the time of the real-life Manson murders—"visits 1969 Los Angeles, where everything is changing, as TV star Rick Dalton (DiCaprio) and his longtime stunt double Cliff Booth (Pitt) make their way around an industry they hardly recognize anymore."

In this clip, after being introduced to Dalton and Booth, viewers get to see how the latter ends up mingling with the Manson Family. As Booth picks up a girl (Margaret Qualley) on the side of the road, he unknowingly welcomes a Manson family member into his life and begins to visit their ranch. The fiction and real-life stories intersect when we find out that Dalton lives next store to Tate, who was murdered by the members of Charles Manson's cult in 1969.

Watch the new trailer for Once Upon A Time In Hollywood ahead of its July 26 theatrical release, below.

ONCE UPON A TIME IN HOLLYWOOD - Official Trailer (HD) www.youtube.com

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Photos by Charles McQuillan/Getty Images

This photo proves that they are the chillest onscreen family

Sophie Turner just posted a photo of herself, Maisie Williams, and Isaac Hempstead Wright—aka the Stark siblings—to her Instagram, showing just what the three used to get up to when the Game of Thrones cameras weren't rolling.

The photo shows Wright looking quite pleased with himself while sitting on a makeshift throne, wearing no pants. As he should be, seeing as (spoiler) his character, Bran, won the Iron Throne this weekend. Williams, meanwhile, is looking way too cool to be involved in the shenanigans, wearing a pair of black sunglasses and staring absently off-camera. As for Turner, she's looking away from her onscreen brother, too, nervously smoking a Juul.

"The pack survived," Turner captioned the photo.

This photo just goes to prove that the Stark siblings are the chillest onscreen family. (It also proves, yet again, that Turner's social media is an absolute delight.)

We're actually a little sad that this footage didn't make it into the final season, considering how many modern-day objects have been spotted in the show's last few episodes.

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Photo via @mileycyrus on Twitter

Meet Ashley

Miley Cyrus shared the trailer for her forthcoming Black Mirror episode, and it's basically Hannah Montana set in a dystopian future. Cyrus is a pink wig-wearing pop star named Ashley who is rolling out an in-home virtual assistant, named Ashley Too, that looks like her and shares her voice. But, as is the case with every Black Mirror episode, this technology is not as cute and fun as it's advertised to be.

In the trailer, we get the idea that Ashley is all about wanting fans to "believe" in themselves—but underneath that pink wig, maybe she doesn't feel that same self-love. After Ashley Too introduces herself to fan and new owner Rachel, promising to be her friend, we get a look at Ashley's darker side. She's depressed and tired of the pop star life. A record label executive says to several people in the room, "She doesn't understand how fragile all this is." As they consider upping her dose of medication, Ashley's life is on a downward slope. "It's getting so hard to keep doing this," she voices over glimpses of a police car chase, performances, and breakdowns backstage.

But back to the technology: Does Ashley's breakdown also mean the breakdown of Ashley Too? Looks like it. We see Rachel's virtual assistant screaming, "Get that cable out of my ass! Holy shit! Pull it out," breathing a sigh of relief as soon as they pull it out. A title card then reveals the episode name, "Rachel, Jack, and Ashley Too."

Watch the full trailer and get a full view of Cyrus' cyborg-esque pop star look, below. Black Mirror returns to Netflix on June 5.


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Several actresses allegedly had "issues" with him

Lena Waithe's Showtime series, The Chi, just lost one of its main characters. Jason Mitchell, who was also set to appear in the Netflix film Desperados, has been dropped from both projects following multiple allegations of misconduct. He has also been dropped by his agent and manager.

Hollywood Reporter heard from a source "with knowledge" of The Chi, who says that Tiffany Boone, the actress who plays Mitchell's girlfriend on the show, is just one of several actresses who had "issues" with him. She eventually told producers at Fox21 that she could no longer work with him after filing several sexual harassment complaints. Apparently, her fiancé, Dear White People co-star Marque Richardson, would join her on set when she would shoot with Mitchell.

While news of Mitchell's alleged misconduct is just now beginning to surface, it looks like the ball started rolling on the fallout weeks ago. He was dropped from Desperados and replaced by Lamorne Morris before filming began. A source from the production team said that the producers received "specific information" that they reviewed and acted on quickly. Similarly, a source familiar with Mitchell's former agent, UTA, said the decision to drop him a few weeks ago was very quick following the allegations.

Photo by Rachel Murray/Getty Images

Prior to the college admissions scandal, she said she doesn't "care about school"

Apparently, Olivia Jade wants to go back to school despite all those YouTube videos that suggested otherwise. Back in March, it was revealed that her mom, Fuller House actress Lori Loughlin, and dad, Mossimo Giannulli, had scammed Jade's way into the University of Southern California. Now, Loughlin faces jail time, and Jade lost out on plenty of lucrative ad partnerships.

According to Us Weekly, "Olivia Jade wants to go back to USC," per a source. "She didn't get officially kicked out and she is begging the school to let her back in." Another source though ousted Jade's real motivation to the publication. "She knows they won't let her in, so she's hoping this info gets out," they shared. "She wants to come out looking like she's changed, learned life lessons and is growing as a person, so she for sure wants people to think she is interested in her education."

Jade previously shared in a YouTube video she's in college for the "experience of like game days, partying" rather than the education. She also said, "I don't know how much of school I'm going to attend... I don't really care about school, as you guys all know." Though these statements were made prior to the scandal coming to light, her brand partnerships didn't come into question until her parents were indicted.

Right now, despite previous reports that Jade and her sister would both be dropping out of USC, Jade's enrollment has been placed on hold—meaning she cannot register for classes, or even withdraw from the school—until her parents' court case comes to a close. Then, the school will make its own decision as to how Jade will be affected. I think, either way, she should have to pay off a few of her classmates' loans for all the BS she pulled.

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