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How To Unfriend A Friend

Culture

no ghosting, like, ever.

Out of all the things you learn in school, basic human relations is not one of them. Sure, you can recite the Pythagorean Theorem, but can you break up with a friend? Unless you've had to deal with it first hand, those life lessons fall by the wayside until, well, you’re face to face with a friend breakup. We’re taught to plan, but no one ever plans to end a friendship—at least not from the start.

“When I was younger, I thought friendships were supposed to last a lifetime,” Jodyne L. Speyer, author of Dump 'Em: How to Break Up with Anyone from Your Best Friend to Your Hairdresser, tells us over email. “I had a childhood friend I stayed friends with long into my adult life, even though she was awful to me!” For years, Speyer, like many, made excuses for remaining friends with an individual who was toxic to her life and, in her words, she simply didn't like. So, she did what anyone would do: She dumped them.

Making the decision to break up isn’t easy, though. Like a romantic relationship, you often flirt with the idea while consciously repressing the negative feelings you might have toward your former friend. For me, it took years of eye-rolling and imagined conversations with myself before deciding enough was enough and ended it with a friend. “Friendships entail give and take, and the equation balances out over time,” Irene S. Levine, psychologist, friendship expert, and producer of The Friendship Blog, tells us. Sometimes, though, the equation gets unbalanced and the friendship turns toxic. It’s then that you must decide where you’re going to go and what you’re going to do. “Unlike our family,” Speyer says, “we chose our friends and we do so because we share a common interest.” Life happens and interests change, and people grow apart. That’s not necessarily a sign of a toxic friendship; that’s just life. “If a friendship stops making us feel good,” Speyer adds, “that’s a pretty good indicator that it’s time to go our separate ways.”

The first step in doing so is identifying whether your friendship is toxic. Both Speyer and Levine stress knowing how you feel when your friend’s name pops up in your Newsfeeds, phone screens, etc. Levine says you’re in a toxic relationship when you “feel emotionally drained” when you get together—if you’re motivated to even do that. Speyer echoes that and says you’re in a toxic relationship when the other “expects way too much of us” and hardly takes the time to listen to your life. More importantly, though, Levine stresses whether you can trust your friend anymore. If not, it’s time to move on.

If you’ve reached a point where you’re ready to break up with your friend, heed Speyer and Levine’s advice and sleep on it. Speyer suggests giving your friend the heads up that something’s wrong: “This simple step is important because it allows the friend to potentially fix the problem—if it’s fixable.” Levine gave the option of maybe cutting down the amount of time you spend with someone. Afterward, list one or two main reasons why you and your friend don’t gel. Both Speyer and Levine urge folks to rehearse what they’re going to say. Levine called it a “script.” According to Speyer, “Your goal when breaking up with someone is to get out of the conversation as quickly as possible.” To follow that, Levine suggests taking “responsibility for the decision to end the friendship by framing your remarks in terms of ‘I’ rather than ‘You.’” Then, allow for the other person time to respond.

As for the medium? Speyer and Levine had different opinions on the digital route: The former said never, because “this is someone you once called a friend” and you want to be the respectful, bigger person. The latter said it depended on the type of friendship you had and your reasons for ending it. Though, Levine did said it was best to do it in person because leaving a paper trail—whether digital or not—“can be misconstrued and shared with other people.” This is, to harp back to some middle-school quip, an A and B conversation and everyone else can “C” their way out of it.

One thing you shouldn’t do? Ghost. Sure, it’s easy, but it’s not beneficial to any party involved. Speyer says it’s “one of the most disrespectful things you can do to someone. We all deserve closure.” Both of you might slowly stop talking each other, but that’s not really ghosting. “It takes a big person to be able to articulate why you are exiting a friendship,” Speyer continues. “If someone is making an effort to see what happened to you and if they did something wrong, tell them.”

There will be a sense of loss afterward. It happens with romantic relationships, too. Depending on how you treat your digital friendship—either purging them completely or, as Speyer suggests, hiding them from your timelines—you may still be inundated with their day-to-day life. You know your limits and how you go about that aspect of the process is up to you. Levine suggests not wallowing in it, but taking your time to “get over the experience and learn from it.” Taking the time to figure out how to be a better friend is key. “Friendships require nurturance,” she tells us. “Not all friendships last forever—even very good ones.” At the end of the day, it’s your well-being that needs the most tending to. Burn bridges as you see fit, but do it with kindness, honesty, and a strong sense of heart. You want to be able to say you’ve given it all you can, and with a sense of absolution, move on.

Photo by Imani Givertz

Premiering today via NYLON

Small Talks, aka Cayley Spivey, has come a long way since starting a band, then becoming the entire band herself and forging her own fan base from the ground up. On her recent album A Conversation Between Us, she began to unpack any lingering baggage with one particular song: "Teeth." Today, she premieres the accompanying music video exclusively via NYLON.

"'Teeth' is about my personal battle with letting go of the past," Spivey tells NYLON, admitting that it's easily her favorite song off of A Conversation Between Us.

Watch the video for "Teeth" below.

Small Talks - Teeth (Official Music Video) - YouTube www.youtube.com

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Photos by Joe Maher/Getty Images, Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for TIME

Must have been pretty awkward

Taylor Swift and Sophie Turner were guests on the U.K.'s The Graham Norton Show together, which must have been awkward for Turner's husband, Joe Jonas, seeing as he also happens to be Swift's ex. I wonder if his name came up?

The interview doesn't come out until Friday night, but promotional photos show the two sharing a couch. Swift is making an appearance to perform her new single, "ME!" while Turner is promoting her new film, X- Men: Dark Phoenix. But it seems necessary for the two to be asked about Jonas.

Swift was just on the Ellen DeGeneres Show earlier this month, where she brought up the fact that she felt bad for putting Jonas "on blast" on DeGeneres' show back in 2008 by telling the audience that he broke up with her in a record-setting short phone call. But, according to Swift, she and Jonas are chill now, since it happened pretty long ago, which means she's probably already hung out with Turner and maybe even gossiped about him with her.

We can only hope that they get the chance to spill some tea on television.

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Screenshot via YouTube, Photo Courtesy of HBO

"That's! His! Auntie!"

Leslie Jones has rewatched the Game of Thrones finale with a beer in hand, Seth Meyers at her side, and a full camera crew ready to take in all her glorious reactions. Spoilers ahead, but, if you haven't watched last week's episode already, that's kind of on you at this point.

When Jon Snow started to make out with Daenerys, also known as his aunt, only to stab her through the chest moments later, it was emotional whiplash for everyone watching. And, Jones' reactions—both from her first and second viewing—sum it all perfectly.

"That's! His! Auntie! [gagging noises]," Jones says before making an aside about calling the police if her uncle ever tried to do the same. But then the knife goes in, and Jones screams. "Did you see that?!" Jones asks, "Yeah bitch, that's a knife in you." Meyers points out the funniest part of all: "Why are you so upset about someone kissing their aunt but totally fine with someone killing their aunt?" Jones replies, "Because that bitch needed to go," and, well, same.

Other highlights from the comedians' rewatch include comparing Dany's victory speech to a bad improv gig, predicting that their dogs would have less of a reaction to their deaths than Drogon did to his mother's, and more.

Watch all of Jones' reactions from this Late Night clip below.

Game of Jones: Leslie Jones and Seth Watch Game of Thrones' Series Finale youtu.be

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These lyrics are a lot

Robbie Tripp, aka Curvy Wife Guy, is back with a music video, titled "Chubby Sexy," starring his wife and a trio of models. In it, Tripp raps about his bold choice to find women with an average body size attractive.

The video begins with a series of statements laid over some pool water: "Curves are the new high fashion," "Chubby is the new sexy," "We Out Here." Tripp posits that these queens deserve an anthem, which they do. What they do not deserve is this Cursed Song. As he lists all the names he knows to call them by (thick, thicc, and BBW), one model (who I really, really hope was paid well) squirts some lotion down her cleavage, and Tripp begins dancing.

"My girl chubby sexy/ Call her bonita gordita," Tripp states in his chorus, before going on to compare "big booty meat" to the peach emoji. Another thing he mentions is that his wife can't find a belt that fits her waist, and that's why he calls her James and the Giant Peach. He then tries to dab. Here are some of the other Cursed highlights from his, uh, verses:

Got those Khaleesi curves/ Knows how to dragon slay
She like a dude that's woke/ We like a girl that's weighty
Some say a chubby girl that's risky/ But they ain't met a curvy girl that's frisky
Imma dunk that donk like I'm Andrew Wiggins.
Thick like an Amazon/ Built like Big Ben.

Tripp says one thing in the video that I couldn't agree more with: "She don't need a man." No, she does not. Please run. If you must, watch the entire video, below. Or send it to your nemesis!

Robbie Tripp - Chubby Sexy (Official Music Video) www.youtube.com

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Photo by Emma McIntyre / Getty Images.

See the promo here

It was bound to happen. The Kadashians and Jenners have committed themselves to letting the cameras roll on their lives, for better or for worse. So if you thought that the Jordyn Woods and Tristan Thompson cheating scandal was off limits, you thought wrong. The trailer for Sunday's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was just released, and it involves the famous family working through the fallout of what happened when Woods went to a party at Thompson's house.

The teaser includes the infamous clip of Khloé Kardashian screaming "LIAAAARRRRRR." It's still not explicitly clear who prompted that strong response. She could be responding to Thompson, who clearly isn't always honest. Or she could be reacting to Woods account of the events on Red Table Talk. But the most revealing moment comes when we see Kylie Jenner—who was Woods' best friend before all of this happened—react for the first time.

In a heart-to-heart conversation, momager Kris Jenner says, "For you and Jordyn, it's like a divorce." Kylie only offers this in response: "She fucked up." Based on Woods' version of events—which I'm inclined to believeThompson is the one who fucked up. Still, I'm hoping for some kind of reconciliation between the two longtime friends. Perhaps we'll have to wait until next season for that.

Check out the promo video below.

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