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A Tribute To Gemini, The Low-Key Psychopath Of The Zodiac

Astrology

Forget Scorpios, the Twins are astrology’s true wild cards

You don't have to know anything about astrology to know this: Scorpios are totally crazy. Being a Scorpio should even, it's been said, be illegal. I'm not going to dispute this total truth, because every time I try to think of a Scorpio who isn't a devious mastermind (like, for example, my 96-year-old grandma), I then remember that all Scorpios actually are the devil (e.g. the way my grandma laughs and shows no mercy when she sends my pawns home during one of our intense Parcheesi battles). But as bad as Scorpios are (which, I reiterate: bad), there's another zodiac sign that is actually responsible for most of the world's problems, and buckle up because we've just entered its season. I'm talking, of course, about Gemini, the low-key psychopath of the zodiac.

Here's the thing about Geminis: They 100 percent think they're better than everyone else, and the problem with that is it's usually true. Let me list some famous Geminis for you: Marilyn Monroe, Angelina Jolie, Kanye West, Morgan Freeman, John F. Kennedy, Natalie Portman, Tupac Shakur, Nicole Kidman, Naomi Campbell, Prince, Che Guevara, Beyoncé's twins. Whom among these people is not better than you? They are all better than you. The only surprising thing on that list is that Muhammed Ali is not on it. But he must have Gemini as his rising sign, or else astrology would make no sense.

The people on that list share something else besides being better than you: They are all actual icons. A Gemini is the kind of person who inspires cultish devotion. A Gemini is the kind of person whose words are widely quoted around the world, decades after their deaths. A Gemini is the kind of person whose magnetism is so intensely strong that quotes that they never even said are attributed to them because the words get even more powerful when they are connected to a Gemini. A Gemini is someone whose every move is documented and whose every gesture is memorized by your literal soul because you need Geminis in this world to prove life is worth living. Geminis are proof that humans are good, and also terrible. It is no coincidence that Gemini is represented by the Twins, actual people. Geminis aren't crabs or goats or, like, scales. Geminis are one of the few signs represented by people, and since the others are Sagittarius and Virgo, and those are a centaur and a virgin, it is really Gemini who bears the mantle of being the most human of the astrological signs. And humans are both good and terrible, so it makes sense that Geminis are that, too.

Geminis are mostly very beautiful all over, and that's nice and everything, but if you want to recognize a Gemini because of their physicality, you can do it through two of their feature: their hands and their mouth. This is where a Gemini really shines because these are the bodily attributes through which we communicate, and all Geminis are trying to do is communicate with you all the time. It's their thing. What are they trying to say? That they're better than you and also probably you should do what they say unless you want them to get bored with you.

And ohmygod, this is the thing with Geminis: They will get bored with you. They can't help it, but they will. This is not your fault, not exactly. Geminis just get bored of everything after a while. Even Brad Pitt. It's not Pitt's fault, per se. He can't help being a sweet, puppy dog of a Sagittarius. Just like Jolie can't help drinking blood for fun. It's just the way of the world.

If a Gemini were a flower, it would be a rose. Obviously. Has there ever been anything more obvious? That's actually a quality that Geminis share with roses: They're obvious. They're in your face, they're impossible to ignore. They can best be described as being "heady." Actually, let's think about that word, "heady." What a fucking word to describe a Gemini. Geminis are, after all, always in their heads. It's like, if a Gemini were a song lyric, it would be that one from Fiona Apple's "Paper Bag," the one where she sings, "He said/ 'It's all in your head,' and I said, 'So's everything'/ But he didn't get it." Geminis get it. Everything is in their head, and their heads are capable of just about anything. If a Gemini thinks it, rest assured it will come true. 

You'd guess, then, for people who are so deeply in their own heads, that Geminis would be a little more intuitive, wouldn't you? You'd be so, so wrong. Geminis are too deeply enthralled with what's in their own heads to even be the slightest bit interested in what's going on in yours. This, then, is what makes them psychopaths. They will fight you about anything and argue for fucking ever because they are always sure that they're right; there's no other possibility because if it's something that's in their head, then it's true. Geminis are usually good at math because they kill it during the tautology unit in pre-calculus. Geminis are also good at music; it just makes sense to them. To a Gemini, everything is about solving problems and then moving on. What does this have to do with you? Everything. To a Gemini, you're just another problem.  

Back to roses, though, because the thing about headiness, is that a Gemini, too, will overpower you naturally, with their scent, with their inherent appeal, with their softness hiding their thorns. And then they'll make you bleed. 

If a Gemini were an animal, it would be a cat because, like a cat, a Gemini is always beautifully bored. A Gemini would be happy lying around all day, licking itself, leaving the house only to kill something just for fun. A Gemini could be a bird, but not a songbird. It would be a raptor. If an animal is a Gemini, it has to have claws.

If a Gemini were a fabric, it would be suede, because suede is a bitch to take care of. 

If a Gemini were a weather system, it would be a thunderstorm on a super hot day, one of those days when the light is green and you almost need gills to breathe the air outside. 

If Gemini were a color, it would be silver; and if it were an element, it would be mercury. And if you can't figure out why, I'm not going to help you.

If a Gemini were a character in Game of Thrones, it would be a Targaryen. It would be all the Targaryens, the crazy and the messianic ones. A Gemini would mostly be Daenerys though because she was born to rule and she clearly means well but she also really wants no counsel other than her own. Luckily, she's almost always right about everything. 

If a Gemini were a perfume, it would be this new Goop perfume, the one that smells like shiso and having sex in the woods during a rainstorm. And a Gemini wouldn't even care that Gwyneth Paltrow made that perfume because Geminis know that if they like something, it's worth liking. Alternately, a Gemini would wear Egyptian musk oil, the kind you can buy on the sidewalks of New York City, from vendors that also sell incense.

If a Gemini were a song, it would be by Lana Del Rey, and it would be "Freak." Lana Del Rey, you might be thinking, She must be a Gemini. Well, you're right, and you're wrong, because she's a Gemini-Cancer cusp, and those people are a whole other problem that we don't have time for right now. (Just kidding, I'll get back to them soon.)

Maybe, at this point you're thinking, Wow, Geminis actually aren't that bad. They sound sort of cool. Well, you're right, and you're wrong, because lots of Geminis aren't that bad, and lots of Geminis are sort of cool. How do I know this? Because I am a Gemini.

First off, like, of course, I am. Do you think anyone other than a Gemini would delight so much in writing about how Geminis are such psychopaths? But not just any psychopath, like, highly desirable psychopaths, the human equivalent of soft and beautiful suede? No, only a Gemini would do that. Well, actually, no: Only a Gemini-Cancer cusp, which is what I actually am, would do that. (And before you ask, no, I am not going to ever write about any other zodiac sign other than Gemini because, like a true Gem, I don't care about any others. This is it.)

Here is a fun and cool thing about me and Lana Del Rey: We both manage to drop the fact in casual conversation (i.e. magazine interviews) that we were born on the summer solstice, the "Day of Worldly Rapture." Literally who else talks about this kind of thing other than total psychopaths like me and Lana and other summer solstice babies? Literally nobody. And only a Gemini-Cancer cusp like Del Rey would sing about what a freak she is, and how she fucked her way to the top, and how she's a "Brooklyn baby." Can someone other than Del Rey get away with any of those things? No, no, they can't. But the reason why she can do that is because she has the plausible deniability of being a Cancer, too, and being in touch with her emotions. Plus, she can cry on fucking cue, if needed. But secretly? She delights in being provocative and aggressively bored and wanting to die. Wanting to die is such a summer solstice baby thing to want! Just like Geminis are low-key psychopaths, summer is the low-key season of death, of stagnation, of rapture. It's so... Lana. But also, so is love, which is now Lana's thing. That's the Cancer in her coming out, the part of her that has actual feelings. Did you know Cancer's astrological symbol is a horizontal 69? It represents the connection between the material and spiritual world. Nice.

But so back to Gemini, because there's someone else we need to talk about here, and that someone is Donald Trump, who is like such a Gemini that he actually almost isn't a Gemini, even though he's the most Gemini ever. Like, you know, everything I said about how Geminis are notable for their beautiful hands and mouths? Well, sorry for making you do this, but think about those of Trump for a second. Shudder, right? He's notable for those features, but not because they're beautiful, but rather because they're grotesqueries—tiny, worm-like grotesqueries. And Trump is someone who is all in his head too, someone who can manifest things—seemingly impossible things!—into reality in such a way that you suddenly realize, Oh, shit, this is just his world, and we are living in it. He could literally shoot people on Fifth Avenue, and nothing would happen.

And here's the thing: Of course he can, because he is a Gemini. Donald Trump is the ur-Gemini, and he is proof that even Scorpios (including, let's not forget, one Hillary Clinton) cannot stand up to the true psychopathy of a Gemini. Because a Gemini will use their considerable rhetorical powers to make everyone get the fuck out of their way. There will always be those among us who don't believe what a Gemini is selling, but it won't matter. Like, even if the majority of people don't believe a Gemini's bullshit, it still doesn't matter because of how completely a Gemini believes their own. So they will still get their way. Like Trump did, and will continue to. Until, you know, he won't. 

Because here's the thing: Pretty much all Geminis wind up eventually falling from whatever lofty positions they attain. They can't help it. Icarus was, no doubt, a Gemini. But it all makes sense, really, since pride goes before a fall, and no sign has more pride than a Gemini. (If you're thinking, What about Leo? trust me when I say, no, Leos have nothing on Geminis). Being a Gemini means thinking you're smarter than everyone, quicker, too; you operate on an astral plane, you're closer to the sun than anyone's ever been before or since; you're better than fire because you feed the fire. But eventually, Geminis fly too close to the sun, and they fall, writhing in fear and panic into the sea. This is the best thing we can hope for with Trump, that he will fall and get swallowed up in the great, teeming ocean below. (Is it a mere coincidence that the U.S. itself is the mother of all water signs, a Cancer? Yes, probably.) 

But just because Trump, like all high-flying Geminis, is bound to fail sooner or later, that doesn't mean you should feel too safe about the future of our country just yet. Because you know who else is a Gemini? Mike Pence.

Thankfully, Beyoncé's twins are coming to save us all any day now.

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Photo by Rachel Dennis

Finally

"What do girls even do together?" This question, or some iteration of it, is frequently posed to me once someone finds out I'm bisexual or hears me mention my girlfriend, or if I make any reference to being interested in girls. I would be annoyed by it, but I have empathy because I know how hard this kind of information can be to find. In fact, the details of how two people with vaginas have sex isn't very widespread information. And, I know that I didn't really have all that much information about girl-on-girl sex before, well, actually having it myself. It's precisely this kind of situation that queer sex educator Stevie Boebi is trying to fix.

Boebi has gained a big following for her informational YouTube videos about how to use a strap-on, how to scissor, how to fist someone, how to choose a vibrator for yourself; any question you could have, she will get you an answer. She doesn't shy away from topics that people wouldn't be quick to ask someone about IRL, either, like BDSM. And she covers the kind of things that are definitely not what we're taught in sex education classes—likely not even in the most progressive curriculums. A study from GLSEN notes that only 4 percent of teens reported learning anything positive about queer sex in their sex ed classes, and points out that in some states, it's actually prohibited to mention queerness at all.

Particularly when it comes to sex with two vaginas, the lack of available public education leads to a general lack of understanding of how we have sex, which then leads to a lack of understanding in the queer community, too. "I just think that lesbian sex is so oversexualized, and we're the least educated," said Boebi when I asked her recently why it's so important for her to spread knowledge about queer sex in particular.

Boebi said that she started out on YouTube making videos about technology, but after she came out as a lesbian, her audience flipped from mostly male to mostly female, though she would prefer a less rudimentary gender breakdown ("the algorithm only deals in binaries, sorry," she quipped).

Ultimately, her sexuality led her to change her content entirely, because she wanted to educate people who couldn't find answers to their questions anywhere else—even on the internet.

"I started getting a lot of what I called 'stupid questions' from very confused teenage girls saying, like, 'How do I do it? Can I get AIDs from fingering someone?'" Boebi told me. They were questions that probably should have had easily Google-able answers, but, when Boebi looked for lesbian sex education content to send to fans who were asking her, she came up empty-handed. "I couldn't find anything. I think I found, like, two articles on Autostraddle, and that was it," she said. "And then I was like, Well, shit! If no one else is going to do it, then I guess I will."

Boebi's audience is mainly comprised of 13- to 24-year-olds, so she keeps in mind that she's helping people who may not be experienced, or even out yet. She uses her own experiences to inform her work sometimes, but also researches extensively and talks to people she knows who "have fancy Ph.Ds in sexology and shit," who can answer her questions or point her to resources she should be referencing.

Boebi's charm is in her relatability; even if she's talking about things we've been conditioned to feel shame around, she does it in such an open and honest way that all that shame disappears—as it should. She does this by perfectly meshing professional talk with jokes and sarcasm, and even uses characters based on star signs. She knows the importance of taking on taboo topics, because there are so many people who won't otherwise find answers to their questions. "I don't actually struggle in my everyday life asking people if they've ever been anally fisted before," Boebi joked with me. "I'll take that burden."

And keeping her tone light and humorous is of the utmost importance to her. "When people are laughing, they're comfortable, and I want people to feel comfortable," Boebi said. "And I want people to know that I'm comfortable talking about sex, and they can be, too." It helps also, Boebi told me, that her audience is separated by a screen, and she's not "in a room with a 12-year-old talking about my labia."

Beyond instructional sex videos, Boebi also deals with other rarely discussed facets of sexuality and physicality. Boebi is polyamorous, and talks openly about it, confronting the stereotypes and the misinformation about the identity head-on. And, she was also recently diagnosed with Ehler's Danlos Syndrome after going years without a diagnosis, and she aims to start working more with disabled queer sex educators to make her work more inclusive of people with disabilities. Though she pointed out to me that her work was already encompassing of disabilities, she "hasn't been a part of the disability activist community for very long," and so she has a lot to learn.

And, though Boebi's happy that she has the platform she does, she wants a more inclusive array of sex educators to join the scene. "My voice is my voice, and it's unique to me, but I think there should be way more," she noted. "Especially people [with intersectional identities]. That would make me so happy if we could diversify sex educators."

And, though Boebi says there's no "ideal way" to educate people about sex, she's definitely on a better track than the public education system, and she makes clear that there's nothing shameful about sexuality—in fact, it's just a part of being human, and a really fun one, at that.

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Screenshot via YouTube

The band shared details about their new St. Vincent-produced album that will drop "you into the world of catastrophe"

Sleater-Kinney just shared more information about their St. Vincent-produced album and dropped a new single.

Per Billboard, Sleater-Kinney revealed that their new album, which they've been teasing since early this year and will be their first since No Cities To Love from 2015, will be called The Center Won't Hold. It's due out on August 16 via Mom + Pop Records. "We're always mixing the personal and the political but on this record, despite obviously thinking so much about politics, we were really thinking about the person—ourselves or versions of ourselves or iterations of depression or loneliness—in the middle of the chaos," Carrie Brownstein said in a statement. Corin Tucker further noted that the new album will "[drop] you into the world of catastrophe that touches on the election."

Janet Weiss noted that the band will "explore a different sound palette" with this album, and pointed to St. Vincent as the reason behind it. She said that St. Vincent "has a lot of experience building her own music with keyboards and synthesizers so she could be our guide to help us make sense of this new landscape and still sound like us."

To satiate us until then, the band released a lyric video for new single, "The Future Is Here," which is very grungy. Bump it, below.

Sleater-Kinney - The Future Is Here (Official Lyric Video) www.youtube.com

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This is so satisfying!

Even Jon Snow knows just how unsatisfying the final season of Game of Thrones was, and he's ready to apologize. Well, a deepfake of him is at least. A heavily-edited version of Snow's speech from the fourth episode—just before the bodies of those lost in the Battle of Winterfell get burned—now features Snow apologizing for the conclusion of the show and lighting the script on fire.

"It's time for some apologies. I'm sorry we wasted your time," Snow begins. "And I know nothing made sense at the end. When the Starbucks cup is the smallest mistake, you know you fucked up! We take the blame. I'm sorry we wrote this in like six days or something," he adds, before signaling to his peers to light the script with torches and "just forget it forever." "Fuck Season 8," he says before the pages begin to crackle and burn.

If there were more lines left to alter, we would have loved to see Snow also tackle how messy Brienne of Tarth and Jaime Lannister's story line ended up, as well as Bran's kingship, Cersei's boring demise, and the water bottle appearance.

Watch the entire deepfake and try to heal the wounds left by HBO below.

BREAKING: JON SNOW FINALLY APOLOGIZED FOR SEASON 8 youtu.be

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Photo by Darren Craig

It premieres today, exclusively via NYLON

In LP's song "Shaken," the most recent single from her 2018 record Heart To Mouth, she tells the story of seeing her lover out with someone else—ouch. Today, exclusively on NYLON, she releases a cheeky animated music video that pokes fun at the song's heightened drama and perfectly demonstrates all the angst that comes with falling hard for someone.

"She looks at you like I used to/ And I'm just sitting in the corner sh-sh-shaken," LP sings, as the visual—with art by Maayan Priva—depicts the singer hanging out in a bar, watching the girl she likes meet up with another girl. Despite the situation's inherent drama, "Shaken" is less of a ballad and more of an upbeat bop. LP told us she loves the way "this little video captures some of the fun of the song, and its inherent comical anxiety." Sure, heartbreak isn't that funny, but our (sometimes) overly dramatic reaction to it kind of is.

"'Shaken' feels like a bit of a wild card on this record," LP says. "It's the closest I've come to writing a musical, which I hope to do one day." We heartily endorse this idea: Please, LP, give us the queer jukebox musical we crave.

Until that day comes, though, you can watch the music video for "Shaken," below.

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Photo courtesy of Sony Pictures.

This cameo has the Beyhive buzzing

I went to see Men In Black: International alone. Which would have been fine if it wasn't for the shock I received when I saw two specific characters on the screen. Unable to keep it to myself, I shared a curious look with the stranger next to me, who was obviously thinking the same thing as me. "Is that them...?" I whispered first. "I think… so," she replied. Then the two men in question started to dance, and we were both sure: "Yep, that's them."

It was Laurent and Larry Nicolas Bourgeois, better known as Les Twins. Fans of Beyoncé will recognize the duo as the talented brothers who often accompany her on tour and in music videos. In Men In Black: International, the two of them play shapeshifting entities—they're more like energy forces than aliens—who pursue Tessa Thompson's and Chris Hemsworth's characters throughout the duration of the film. The twins' ability to manipulate their bodies in ways that are graceful and otherworldly really helps sell them as extraterrestrials and is fun to watch.

So if Thompson in a suit or Hemsworth shirtless weren't enough motivation, here's another reason to go see it. If you look close, you can see them in the trailer below.

MEN IN BLACK: INTERNATIONAL - Official Trailer www.youtube.com

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