What Every Zodiac Sign Is Doing While Self-Isolating

Astrology in the time of COVID-19 can feel frivolous, if not difficult to relate to — especially as the emails regarding canceled events and foreclosed job opportunities are starting to pour in. For many people around the world, who are either at risk or close to people at risk, the threat of infection or compromising the health of those we love and care for is very real and very serious.

Perhaps, it's worthwhile to mention that, traditionally, astrology was a tool often deployed to ascertain the roots, effects, and outcomes of illnesses, especially as they pertain to humankind's relationship to borders and nations. And, while there are astrologers out there who have taken to mapping the stars and seeking answers about when this pandemic will end and how, I thought I might stay in my own lane and offer you some (lighthearted, hopefully comforting) descriptions of what the signs are likely doing in response to the call to self-isolate and prevent pandemic spread.

If you've been lonely, wondering how everyone else is handling all this time alone, well… chances are you're not a Taurus! But, you might be an Aquarius with some conspiracy theories or a Virgo who bought extra supplies for a reason. Ahead, read what I imagine every astrology sign is doing during self-isolation.

Aries

Do you need something? Aries has been waiting to show you their disaster readiness kits all day. Rope? Beans? Two bags of turkey jerky and a varying range of expired painkillers, antibiotics, and uppers? Got 'em. But, damn it, (looks sheepishly over at the nightstand by their bed), how did all these batteries get drained so quickly?

Taurus

Taurus has barely left their house in years unless absolutely necessary, so, really, they know about self-isolation better than just about everybody. They are not afraid of delivery, but do you think ordering one large pizza to eat through the week will make them hate pizza? They have already re-watched all 100 seasons of Grey's Anatomy and are starting to wonder if you must sweat for exercise to count.

Gemini

Spends the first 24 hours of self-isolation making little towers of books organized by status of to-be-read vs. to-be-revisited. Then re-organizing them by size, shape, and aesthetic. Then, feeling very proud of their book towers, they spend the next week admiring them while scrolling madly online and gluing rhinestones to their face mask.

Cancer

What is outside? What is inside? I hate labels, they're so limiting, Cancer thinks as they wander the apocalypse-emptied-out Whole Foods, picking up left-behind snacks and reading the labels. Occasionally, they balance a pineapple can on their head as they walk. This is their Whole Foods now. They live here.

Leo

Leos are heeding the call to self-isolate and limit large social groups because they really CARE about people. Is it Leo's fault that people really CARE about them and that there are so many people over at their house? Should they relocate to a bar down the street since this apartment is getting crowded? People in the service industry are being hit hard right now, and one Leo can make all the difference!

Virgo

One gallon alcohol, 90 proof. One gallon Aloe Vera Gel, ordered online from a wholesale natural market six months ago on a whim. Three different essential oils representing three different goddesses. Ten boxes of "repurposed" black gloves varying in size and latex content. Six dozen eggs and a sack of steel-cut oats. One girl in the center of all this, wearing a silky robe with feathers, reading book after book about the first epidemics to strike humankind.

Libra

"What's really wild is the cruise ship in Oakland," Libra writes for a cross-post to the 10 social media accounts they use. "They docked it there knowing full well that it would primarily compromise the Black and brown communities America treats as expendable." After they hit send, Libra spends the next week reading other people's posts on the injustices occurring and fretting about whether what they said was in any way incomplete or insufficient.

Scorpio

In self-isolation since the spring of 2019, Scorpio feels deeply burdened by the push to stay at home just as they have begun to thaw out and re-join society. Nevertheless, Scorpio recognizes that there forces here that are bigger than humans can know. In fact, Scorpio is 90 percent sure that, if they lay around in the dark long enough making offerings to a desert god, they will be blessed with prophecy. Too bad they drank too much tequila and fell asleep.

Sagittarius

Sagittarius spent the first week of their self-isolation scrolling through discounted plane tickets "just to see" and wondering why, if they could be this low, they don't stay this low? After keeping the tabs open for several days, they reluctantly closed them because, as a freelancer, bike messenger, or handywoman, they don't have enough money to risk infection. Then, they put on a funny hat for some reason they can't explain and made three trays of oatmeal cookies.

Capricorn

You are totally welcome to stay at their house if you're scared your roommates don't wash their hands enough. Know that 7 a.m. - 8 a.m. is quiet tea hour and 9 a.m. - 10 a.m. is paleo breakfast hour and, from 10 a.m. to 3 p.m., your Capricorn needs to sit in the corner they've labeled "work corner" even if they are not actually working. While you can text them cute animal photos, they will only respond during their self-scheduled break time.

Aquarius

Aquarians love their alone time, but after finishing all the edibles and snacks they stockpiled the first two nights of their quarantine in a deep Twilight Zone binge, Aquarians everywhere face their contrarian impulse to hang out with others BECAUSE they are told not to.

Pisces

Spending time together in small intimate groups is fine, right? all Pisces keep asking themselves as they swim from the apartment of one friend to another, making themselves useful as a human wine delivery service. Everyone is really scared right now, and humankind needs intimacy, they assure themselves, as they cuddle up to their ex-girlfriend's ex-girlfriend.