Ask An Aquarius: Why Don't You Have Any Feelings?

Illustration by Lindsay Hattrick

Below, some chill aliens of the zodiac answer all your questions

You've maybe heard of them, those Aquarius types. They're, like, supposedly aloof? But, also, they are associated with the 11th house which is the house of friendship—so they're not aloof at all. They're actually friendly? Weird. You've probably heard they're weird. Like, really weird. Alien weird. Yet they get along with most people! And, Aquarian creative types often see a great amount of success, like Michelle Tea or The Weeknd. Speaking of musicians, Sarah McLachlan is an Aquarius, and if Aquarians are so unemotional, then how come those ASPCA commercials featuring her crooning voice traumatized a generation?

To help us understand the elusive Aquarians of the world, I've asked two of my Aquarian friends to illuminate us on what being an Aquarius means to them. Apparently, Aquarians really love to talk about themselves! Read on for Aquarian wisdoms, rituals, music, and on-brand otherworldly delight.

Alina Pleskova, a queer poet of my own heart, part of my Post-Soviet Poetess Coven, and crown jewel of Philadelphia.

What is one part of your morning ritual that feels deeply Aquarian to you?
The part where I allot myself an adequate window to putter, change my outfit several times (I'm also a Libra moon, okay), put on the right tunes, get in the headspace I need to get into, pull my tarot, and make my tea, etc.—then inevitably space out about a thing or 10, start an email to someone, cancel a date, start scanning my bookshelves for whatever poem I woke up with a line from in my head, and end up rushing to get out the door in time for work.

If you could offer the person(s) you love one Aquarian gift that would improve their life, what would it be?
I want to highlight something that I feel doesn't feature in most write-ups about Aquarians. I think Aquarians have a real aptitude for finding and surrounding themselves with a vast, eclectic, and disparate tribe of friends/lovers/collaborators/chosen family. And by "surrounding," I mean having an internal hierarchy (not necessarily visible to others) of these folks, in varying degrees of closeness (because, yes, we need to protect our personhood, etc.).

But really, if you need someone with an oddly specific skill set, or a recommendation of who to hang out with in a particular city, or someone to get you on the guest list somewhere, talk to an Aquarius. If you want to know how to keep trusted people around in ways that aren't rooted in transaction or manipulation, watch an Aquarius.

Everyone seems to think Aquarians have no feelings or don't have feeling anyone else can understand. Can you describe your emotional-processing mechanism for us?
My go-to phrasing about this is, "What part of leave me the hell alone but simultaneously lavish me with affection and attention is so difficult to understand?"

I'm also thinking of this Dale Gribble line in King of the Hill: "Are you attempting to know me?"

I would describe my emotional-processing mechanism/metaphor as knowing my feelings are a vast sea, but trapped under ice, and not being at all absolved or made more self-aware by that knowledge. When you say, "Don't have feelings anyone else can understand," that "anyone" is often inclusive of me.

I feel so comfortable in the realm of ideas and ideals, possibilities and plans. Asking me to pin down, confront, or name a feeling to which I haven't assigned logic or am resolute about or have grasped intellectually (spoiler: most feelings, most of the time)—in other words, an act of exposure—is akin to someone jabbing at the ice patch with a sharp pick. When I feel someone trying to access my interiority in this way, I tend to totally withdraw. I think Aquarians feel deeply, but have trouble identifying and sharing those feelings. Like, often, I'm just buffering while trying to sort this out, but my external reaction is to seem aloof and impenetrable. I can't tell you how many partners have called me out for this behavior, ugh.

Imagine yourself as a kind of Aquarian sage. What is one thing you would advise an Aqua-baby to be careful of?
Don't date a fucking Capricorn. Don't do it.

Which Aquarian creative elders serve as compass and companions for your own work and survival?
Yoko Ono (my birthday twin sage-goddess): "You may think I'm small, but I have a universe in my head."

Audre Lorde (my other birthday twin sage-goddess): "may I never lose / that terror / that keeps me brave"

Virginia Woolf: "I belong to quick, futile moments of intense feeling. Yes, I belong to moments. Not to people."

Jenn McCreary: "distrust everything / but the hours & / the steps that led / you here."

Zsa Zsa Gabor: "I tell you, in this world being a little crazy helps to keep you sane."

Though these poems have since been edited and re-edited, I would be remiss to not link to "Saturn Return," which explicitly mentions my Aquarian tendencies.

Rose Blakelock, renowned music genius, good with wood, my collaborator on the forthcoming astrology podcast BIG DYKE ENERGY (V-day release).

What is one part of your morning ritual that feels deeply Aquarian to you?
Not having a consistent morning ritual feels pretty Aquarian to me, given our Uranus rulership. That being said, on leisurely mornings, I will often drink coffee and watch intuitive tarot readings or do some practice natal charts, which also feels relevant.

If you could offer the person(s) you love one Aquarian gift that would improve their life, what would it be?
The power to instantaneously detach physically and emotionally from environments and relationships that are harmful. Though it may take a while to come to our senses, once the decision is made, there's really no going back, and no second-guessing.

Everyone seems to think Aquarians have no feelings or don't have feeling anyone else can understand. Can you describe your emotional-processing mechanism for us?
I have a strong Pisces influence (rising, mercury), so I can't say for sure that my process is authentically Aquarian buuut, let's see. First, there's the feeling and how it's embodied. Is it in my stomach, my throat, upper chest? Is my reaction to be nervous? Angry? Indignant? Then I have to let it steep for a while. As with most things, I need a gestation period where I kind of throw everything into the back room of my brain and wait for an answer to spit out like the Pee-wee Herman word of the day. There is a part of my emotional processing that is highly analytical, replaying and trying to see all the sides of a thing (helloooo, Virgo moon). I find that I feel most in touch with my feelings, and have the best understanding of/ability to communicate them, after I give my subconscious time to work through them and get to a succinct answer.

Imagine yourself as a kind of Aquarian sage. What is one thing you would advise an Aqua-baby to be careful of?
Nobody likes a know-it-all. Also, the rest of the world is gonna take a while to catch up to you. Be patient and gracious—a little bit will go a long way.

Which Aquarian creative elders serve as compass and companions for your own work and survival?
When I was younger, I definitely loved loved Michelle Tea, but I can't say I kept up with the astrology of elders per se. Oh, okay Gertrude Stein if we ignore all the misogyny. And, I guess we've got Ellen, too, but lately she's been a bit of a letdown...


Photo by Imani Givertz

Premiering today via NYLON

Small Talks, aka Cayley Spivey, has come a long way since starting a band, then becoming the entire band herself and forging her own fan base from the ground up. On her recent album A Conversation Between Us, she began to unpack any lingering baggage with one particular song: "Teeth." Today, she premieres the accompanying music video exclusively via NYLON.

"'Teeth' is about my personal battle with letting go of the past," Spivey tells NYLON, admitting that it's easily her favorite song off of A Conversation Between Us.

Watch the video for "Teeth" below.

Small Talks - Teeth (Official Music Video) - YouTube

Photos by Joe Maher/Getty Images, Dimitrios Kambouris/Getty Images for TIME

Must have been pretty awkward

Taylor Swift and Sophie Turner were guests on the U.K.'s The Graham Norton Show together, which must have been awkward for Turner's husband, Joe Jonas, seeing as he also happens to be Swift's ex. I wonder if his name came up?

The interview doesn't come out until Friday night, but promotional photos show the two sharing a couch. Swift is making an appearance to perform her new single, "ME!" while Turner is promoting her new film, X- Men: Dark Phoenix. But it seems necessary for the two to be asked about Jonas.

Swift was just on the Ellen DeGeneres Show earlier this month, where she brought up the fact that she felt bad for putting Jonas "on blast" on DeGeneres' show back in 2008 by telling the audience that he broke up with her in a record-setting short phone call. But, according to Swift, she and Jonas are chill now, since it happened pretty long ago, which means she's probably already hung out with Turner and maybe even gossiped about him with her.

We can only hope that they get the chance to spill some tea on television.

Screenshot via YouTube, Photo Courtesy of HBO

"That's! His! Auntie!"

Leslie Jones has rewatched the Game of Thrones finale with a beer in hand, Seth Meyers at her side, and a full camera crew ready to take in all her glorious reactions. Spoilers ahead, but, if you haven't watched last week's episode already, that's kind of on you at this point.

When Jon Snow started to make out with Daenerys, also known as his aunt, only to stab her through the chest moments later, it was emotional whiplash for everyone watching. And, Jones' reactions—both from her first and second viewing—sum it all perfectly.

"That's! His! Auntie! [gagging noises]," Jones says before making an aside about calling the police if her uncle ever tried to do the same. But then the knife goes in, and Jones screams. "Did you see that?!" Jones asks, "Yeah bitch, that's a knife in you." Meyers points out the funniest part of all: "Why are you so upset about someone kissing their aunt but totally fine with someone killing their aunt?" Jones replies, "Because that bitch needed to go," and, well, same.

Other highlights from the comedians' rewatch include comparing Dany's victory speech to a bad improv gig, predicting that their dogs would have less of a reaction to their deaths than Drogon did to his mother's, and more.

Watch all of Jones' reactions from this Late Night clip below.

Game of Jones: Leslie Jones and Seth Watch Game of Thrones' Series Finale

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These lyrics are a lot

Robbie Tripp, aka Curvy Wife Guy, is back with a music video, titled "Chubby Sexy," starring his wife and a trio of models. In it, Tripp raps about his bold choice to find women with an average body size attractive.

The video begins with a series of statements laid over some pool water: "Curves are the new high fashion," "Chubby is the new sexy," "We Out Here." Tripp posits that these queens deserve an anthem, which they do. What they do not deserve is this Cursed Song. As he lists all the names he knows to call them by (thick, thicc, and BBW), one model (who I really, really hope was paid well) squirts some lotion down her cleavage, and Tripp begins dancing.

"My girl chubby sexy/ Call her bonita gordita," Tripp states in his chorus, before going on to compare "big booty meat" to the peach emoji. Another thing he mentions is that his wife can't find a belt that fits her waist, and that's why he calls her James and the Giant Peach. He then tries to dab. Here are some of the other Cursed highlights from his, uh, verses:

Got those Khaleesi curves/ Knows how to dragon slay
She like a dude that's woke/ We like a girl that's weighty
Some say a chubby girl that's risky/ But they ain't met a curvy girl that's frisky
Imma dunk that donk like I'm Andrew Wiggins.
Thick like an Amazon/ Built like Big Ben.

Tripp says one thing in the video that I couldn't agree more with: "She don't need a man." No, she does not. Please run. If you must, watch the entire video, below. Or send it to your nemesis!

Robbie Tripp - Chubby Sexy (Official Music Video)

Photo by Emma McIntyre / Getty Images.

See the promo here

It was bound to happen. The Kadashians and Jenners have committed themselves to letting the cameras roll on their lives, for better or for worse. So if you thought that the Jordyn Woods and Tristan Thompson cheating scandal was off limits, you thought wrong. The trailer for Sunday's episode of Keeping Up with the Kardashians was just released, and it involves the famous family working through the fallout of what happened when Woods went to a party at Thompson's house.

The teaser includes the infamous clip of Khloé Kardashian screaming "LIAAAARRRRRR." It's still not explicitly clear who prompted that strong response. She could be responding to Thompson, who clearly isn't always honest. Or she could be reacting to Woods account of the events on Red Table Talk. But the most revealing moment comes when we see Kylie Jenner—who was Woods' best friend before all of this happened—react for the first time.

In a heart-to-heart conversation, momager Kris Jenner says, "For you and Jordyn, it's like a divorce." Kylie only offers this in response: "She fucked up." Based on Woods' version of events—which I'm inclined to believeThompson is the one who fucked up. Still, I'm hoping for some kind of reconciliation between the two longtime friends. Perhaps we'll have to wait until next season for that.

Check out the promo video below.