A Tribute To Cancer, The Moody, Sensitive Flower Of The Zodiac

You don't even have to believe in astrology to know this: It's hard to be a Cancer. Like, seriously, just pretend to be a Cancer for one hot second by saying this out loud: I'm a Cancer. That sucked, didn't it? It is not fun to call yourself a Cancer! It is not fun to know that, alone among all the zodiac signs, yours shares a name with a vicious disease which has undoubtedly affected or even taken the lives of many people you know. Like, maybe it wouldn't be so hard to be a Cancer if a Cancer was called a Lunar or something, in honor of the fact that it's ruled by the moon. Because who wouldn't want to be a Lunar?? Everyone would want that!

But we don't always get what we want. And do you know who feels that more deeply than anyone? A Cancer. Which makes it all the more appropriate that it's an uber-Leo—Mick Jagger—who smarms a reminder to the universe that you can't always get what you want—even though admitting that you're not going to get what you want is something that neither a Leo nor Cancer's other zodiac neighbor, Gemini, would ever, ever do. But a Cancer would. Because a Cancer has to, because a Cancer knows that getting what we want isn't always even an option, let alone an eventuality. And so on those days when a Cancer wakes up into the world and looks around them and sees that the sky is falling, a Cancer knows to dive back into bed, pull the covers up, and ignore the chaos around them. 

Or maybe not. Maybe, like famous Cancer Lindsay Lohan, they exile themselves to Mykonos, where they launch an ambiguous "summer venture," or maybe they get in touch with their friends at Lawyer dot-com and see what other possible recourse there is to, if not prevent the sky from falling, at least cushion its blow. Whatever the case, a Cancer will take the bad vibes around them and process them (probably crying quite a bit along the way, because a Cancer knows—and exploits—the benefits of a good cry), and then figure out how to turn things around to their benefit, because a Cancer, despite often being underestimated as being overly emotive, mood-driven, sensitive flowers, are... well, they are all those things, but they are also crafty and resourceful, able to take the detritus that surrounds them, and build themselves a home—or, at the very least, a bed, or some other place where they can share their love with someone else.

Because here's the thing: A Cancer loves love. A Cancer loves to find someone to love, and they love to find someone who will love them. A Cancer is a romantic; a Cancer's favorite book is The Great Gatsby; a Cancer's favorite flower is a white lily; a Cancer's favorite fabric is gauze; a Cancer's favorite fruit is a peach; a Cancer's favorite colors are pink and black; a Cancer chooses silver over gold, and pearls over diamonds; a Cancer is ruled by the moon, after all, and what celestial body is more romantic than the moon? Oh, and also, a Cancer likes to fuck. I mean, the zodiac symbol for a Cancer is a horizontal 69. Nice, right? Right. Nice. But the thing about being a Cancer is they can't just fuck, they also have to fall in love, which they do easily—and often with people who do not, at first glance, feel like they make sense as a partner for that particular Cancer.

All of which is to say: Let's talk about Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson. Grande is a Cancer, and, like, wow, is she ever a Cancer. Remember that time she was caught on camera covertly licking doughnuts? That is the most Cancerian way ever to be subversive; not least because it involves tonguing something sweet and round. (Cancers love round things, like the moon!) She also is one of the most emotionally open pop stars we can think of, and has never been afraid to tell the world how it is she feels, especially when that feeling involves love, or even when that feeling involves being so sensitive to your boyfriend's big dick (no, not Davidson, but we're getting to him in a moment), that you can't walk normally, and instead need to scuttle around like a crab, and move around by going side to side. Cancers have a reputation for being deep and mysterious, but actually, they love to share everything that's going on in their lives when they're happy, much like Grande readily shared what it is in her life that's making her happy right now, namely: Pete Davidson and his 10-inch dick. 

It is the most Cancer thing ever to be cute as hell when confirming to the world that your fiancé, the one to whom you got engaged after dating for a few weeks and with whom you've already gotten matching tattoos, is indeed in possession of a big dick. Now, does Davidson, that tall-ass, tattoo-loving Scorpio really have a huge dick? Look, it's hard to say without firsthand knowledge, but it's easy to say that Grande definitely thinks he has a big dick, because Grande is in love with him, and love does funny things to a normal person's ability to perceive things, like the objective size of penises. And, let's not forget, Grande isn't a normal person, she's a Cancer, and a Cancer always sees the world through rose-colored glasses.

So while some people, after breaking up with someone, might be like: Oh, that person sucked, and he has a crazy small dick. A Cancer will be like: Oh, well, that person was terrible to me, and life was kind of a nightmare when we were together and we each hurt each other very badly but also, I hope we can still be friends and I want to hang out with him like I used to and he had better not stop loving me for even one second because I really need to be loved, and, yeah, his dick really is that big, but also, I just want to be able to tell him about all the new big dick I'm encountering, because everything I'm saying is coming from a place of love, so please love me because I hurt, so love me. Please. (Side note: The word dick here can be taken both literally and metaphorically!)

As you can see, the Cancer's ability to, well, not forgive and forget exactly, but rather, like, semi-forgive but also not ever want to let go of anything or anyone ever, is due to the fact that a Cancer is in possession of a million and one emotions, and they want to have a stable of people to call upon in order to have a partner for each of their constantly changing moods; this is a mood in and of itself, and that mood is pure Cancer. Out of all the zodiac signs, Cancer is the one that can most fairly be called "a mood." But also, I like to think of that mood as being best summed up by another famous Cancer, Post Malone's, recent face tattoos: Always Tired.

A Cancer is always tired. In part, this is because a Cancer feels everything so deeply (not a big dick joke, but also, kind of a big dick joke), but in part, this is because a Cancer is kind of always trying to do the most, because a Cancer often feels like they have something to prove. This is not to say that a Cancer has low self-esteem; on the contrary, a Cancer often feels really, really good about themselves, and—if anything—is pretty sure they're an undiscovered genius (which is why the perfect Cancer anthem is Gemini-Cancer cusp Lana Del Rey's cover of "Don't Let Me Be Misunderstood"). But feeling unappreciated is reason enough to be exhausted by trying to prove that you're actually even more amazing than others might naturally think. So Cancers tend to do things like: all their own stunts (Tom Cruise), 87 flawless accents (Meryl Streep), dabble in philosophy (Jaden Smith), etc. 

A Cancer wants to stand out is what I'm saying, because they always feel overshadowed by those around them; in other words, Khloé Kardashian is a Cancer, because, of course, she is. It makes sense when you think about the way Cancer is sandwiched between the two showiest, most obnoxious signs in the zodiac: Gemini and Leo. And it makes further sense when you think about the fact that almost nobody ever wants to identify by name as a Cancer. But honestly, the joke is on the rest of us, because while we're all silently pitying Cancers for being moody, sensitive flowers who cry at the drop of the hat and have a hard time getting over their exes, Cancers are embracing the inner turmoil in their life, basking in the sun on a gorgeous Greek island, making those big Lawyer dot-com dollars, and getting swept away by a whirlwind romance by someone who thinks they're the most beautiful person in the world.

Who's crying now? (Well, Ariana Grande's cervix, probably.)